When most people conjure up images of a Dominant female in their minds, the first visuals they get are physically powerful women who dress is all black (with the exception of a splashing of red or purple), bright red lips, and smokey eyes. They don more fishnets than most trawlers on the Atlantic Ocean. I get an image of stilettos and riding crops, and faces so cold that ice couldn’t melt in the room where they sit.
Personality-wise, my feeling is that people believe that Dominant female doesn’t give a shit what what people think of them, or what the submissive wants. They will have what they want, no matter what. They are bitches. They are go-getters. They are manipulative. They are harsh, strong, and do no wrong. They are an island, and there is an idea that they tend to not care about their submissives, and aren’t affected by the adoration of them.
They demand what they want, and punish those who don’t get it. Usually severely – abusing cock and balls, verbal humiliation, blackmail.
Anyone with any relationship experience within the lifestyle (ie., not pro-domme situations), you know better. Yet in the recesses of our minds, that image persists on some level. It is perhaps to some an ideal.
It was for a short while the end goal for me. Then I started processing what I knew of relationships, effective behavior modification, my personal strengths and weaknesses, my desires and interests, in order to get to what it was that I wanted. And by the processes end, I discovered that I was very much the opposite of what the traditional image is. Well…I do love leather and latex on a fetish level, and I can rock a pair of 6″ heels like there’s no tomorrow. That part is the only resembling feature.
Most people see Dominant women as having higher expectations than the person can provide just so that in every interaction there’s some sort of punishment required. See, I don’t believe in punishing. That doesn’t mean that there isn’t consequences to one’s actions, and it doesn’t mean I’m going to allow someone to ‘get away’ with things. If one acts against my expectations, they are not worthy of my efforts, and I send them away until they are willing to abide by the rules, or depending on my mood, just permanently. Perhaps they just want something different than I want, and I’m aware enough that what I want is not run of the mill or ‘normal’. All I know is that I don’t want to spend my time baiting people so that I can then become a warden and enforcer. I don’t understand how that can bring pleasure to anyone. I want to enjoy my sadism, D/s, and ‘play’ as much as possible with the time that I have available without doing it with the smoke screen of someone not living up to my expectations. I want that person to be worthy of my dominant energy, my trust, my inner self. I’m certainly not going to waste my dominant energy giving someone who isn’t willing to be submissive exactly what they want (which will only serve to encourage their non-submissive actions).
I know that if I want someone to do as I wish, I am to engage in positive reinforcement, and a little bit of Jungian armchair psychological analysis. I figure out what they want, and I provide it. When their needs and desires are getting tickled, they will do anything to continue that interaction. That kind of experience, built slowly, is hard to sway – even with the hurricane of new Dominant women who inevitable will blow across their paths.
Getting what you want in the now is easy in the short run, with most cheapened style of dominance, but the loyalty that comes from it is temporary, and an illusion which is easily changed. The only control you have over someone else is as much as they want you to have. As soon as you step over the limits of the control they want you to have, you no longer have any control. And only so many people have that much energy for a bitch. Most people want someone they can hold, that empathizes, that has compassion. Yes, even the submissive whom wants to be degraded, and made to feel as low as a worm beneath ones feet. Without that human connection, it’s meaningless and they will always long for the bigger bitch to be able to do it more harshly. With someone that they build a relationship with? A natural progression paralleling the depths of commitment can be reached – with the right Domme of course.
Another way that shows my straying from the typical is that I provide what the submissive wants at times. A lot of male subs sing the song of “I just want to do whatever you want me to do”. Sure. I can appreciate that on all levels. Rest assured, I will do only what I want to do. But part of that is knowing how to reward a submissive. It’s also a key to knowing how to bring about those submissive feelings to remind them of their place, and more specifically, mine. Besides that, give me some credit – I can be creative, and I can make the experience my own. I want to satiate their appetite, and leave their mouth salivating when they think of me. Sometimes that comes from being the fantasy they have in their minds and giving them exactly what they want. There’s nothing wrong with a Dominant giving someone what they want. Hell…I’m into this because I’m a control fetishist ultimately. I like having the ultimate say in what is going to happen. And what better way to get someone to do as you wish than to without question give them a true taste of what they long for…at your hand? They will want for more.
Softness, vulnerability, insecurities – these are part of being feminine. I don’t want to resemble a male in my playground. I love being a woman and everything that means – flirting, men wanting to take care of me, opening up to possible rejection. I’m not a bitch (though I can play one in the right scene). Most people who see me as a bitch generally are engaging in a whole lot of transference of their ideas of a typical Domme onto me. Anyone who takes the time to get to know me knows instantly of my warmth, my encouragement, and how far I would go to help someone achieve their goals. I give a shit about people, folks. I feel. What’s more important, is I know that’s okay and it is what makes me a great Domme.
Despite my tendency to get drawn into leadership roles in the community, I’m remarkably shy to the point that I have trouble making eye contact for a while. I usually let other people draw the spotlight when at group events, except where it’s necessary for me to do so (ie., a class I’m teaching). The voyeur in me is strong and gets a lot of sexual energy from doing so, actually. But even one on one with a submissive, I tend to prefer them to assist in creating the roles. I require a submissive to speak a certain way, act a certain way, which then provides me with the Dominant energy to ask, and demand, what I want…to play in a way that I desire. In order to be able to show the darker sides of my Dominance, I need to feel close to someone. This takes communication, trust, and more than a cheap interaction. Sure, I can play with a stranger as well as the next person (given my experience, possibly better), but why would I want to?
And the most bizarre thing about me…I sit in my own little cocoon a lot. I am not a social person naturally. One has to really make oneself stand out in order to gain any interest from me. This is a challenge for most male submissives who are taught to sit back and wait to be picked out by a Dominant partner. I have to be convinced to meet before I’m willing to agree to it. And even then, the submissive has to make the plans, and engage in submissive behaviors before I’m willing to reveal the Dominant in me. To some, I am worth the work. To some, they don’t know, so don’t bother. Perhaps that’s my learned filter to save myself the time alone I’ve come to value (in moderation, of course).
So yes, I’m different than the perception. I’ve always been a bit of a rebel.